HOLLYWOOD ABSURD

Hollywood Absurd

A movie where old Meryl Streep plays a very unlikely role as a dare devil head of a robbery gang of five women who decide to rob a bank, one gets caught and the FBI makes a deal with her to reveal the identity of the rest. The one caught is Jennifer Aniston who left the role she often plays in romantic comedy to star as a cold hearted, desperate, calculating, backstabbing thief.

Imagine our FBI man? Adam Sandler, he co starred with Owen Wilson. And guess who plays the gun slinging cop who wants and fights for what he thinks is his jurisdiction and not FBI’s? our English guy, Hugh Grants.

How absurd. These characters have never taken a role close to these. At least, they have streamlined roles. You can’t imagine them playing outside of it. It’s like Kiefer Sutherland our Jack Bauer turning into a terrorist while William Dafoe seeks to apprehend him. He eventually brings him in, but they don’t have much time at CTU; someone has to debrief him. Chloe isn’t around; she is down with a virus. And the lady at the situation room is…let me think… Miley Cyrus, our very own Hannah Montana. Weird. Or the very unlikely Ann Hathaway, but will she take that television role?

I once heard of a horror movie. I haven’t seen it though but my younger brother, Wole did. He watched the movie in the middle of the night when all other living souls were fast asleep. It’s about vampires, and then there is this particular vampire called ‘the first blood’ who tears the rest of the other vampires into pieces. Gory, gruesome, yet pulsating and so frightening that he wanted to turn off the T.V in order to avoid having nightmares. But he kept watching because of the great suspense. All the while, the scenes are all filled with the form of the vampire ‘the first blood’ whose face has not been shown on the screen. But then, the director decides at a point to reveal the face of the son of the devil. My brother was numbed with fear. But then, he still made the decision to see the face of this first blood before turning off the T.V and going to bed. The suspense in this movie is indeed great.

And just like your classical Hollywood movie effect, the director of photography chose to reveal the character by focusing the camera first on the feet as the ‘first blood’ takes on a human form. The camera goes up to the knees, then slowly moves up to the torso, the neck and the face… When Wole saw the face, like a bird on an early morning flight, his fear flew away instantly. The vampire role is played by one of his favorites TV characters, a man that on a normal day plays only the good character. Guess who he is? Dominic Purcell (Lincoln Burrows of Prison Break). Lincoln is a protagonist in Prison Break, a television series. And though he is labeled the beast while Micheal Scofield, his brother is the brain, he is a good guy. Good guys playing bad roles don’t just fit.

A good guy, on a normal day playing a vampire dampened the horrible effect the film was having on Wole. It’s like Angelina Jolie playing a real nun. Not some femme fatale in a habit, concealing a revolver in her underwear, ready to shoot any guy that comes too close. It makes some real impact when bad guys play bad roles and good guys stick to where they are good… Wole felt relaxed afterward. After all, it is just Lincoln.

It was the same feeling I got when a hooded character stalks a lady in a movie. As she enters her car, he makes a move to strangle her. Then I saw the face of the villain. Pierce Brosnan, our “Ex” James Bond (I couldn’t help but laugh). Then I thought ‘James Bond’ can’t be a villain. This woman must be the bad guy. But Pierce Brosnan isn’t playing 007 today.  He is just a guy up to no good. But it was hard to reconcile the role with the normal 007 character.

It’s the same reason movie directors and producers will rather have Mr Bean, our Johnny English though a double agent ‘be’ a dumb double agent. Would you have taken him seriously if he was indeed like 007, clean, suave, without the normal guff? I bet you enjoy Johnny English better as a comedy. It’s the same reason you enjoy Pink Panther.

The fact is that the world will never take you seriously when you play a role outside of what you are cut out for, made for (or created for). It is good for every man to play his role in life, be good at it and keep to it. I have great passion for painting. But I don’t do all types of painting (though I can make a portrait of Walt Disney on canvas) I do landscape; anything outside of that is to paint people’s faces. Occasionally I sketch some things down but not in 3d, but 2d, flat, like Tom and Jerry images. And they are strictly ladies in fashionable clothes. It would be absurd the day I pick up a pen to audit an account or try to do cubism like Picasso or…

 Good guy playing bad roles. Absurd.  Just like a regenerated man bound in the shackles of sin. He is good but then, he plays bad roles in life. And when you go outside of the limit you are cut out for in life, it’s like a banker selling locust beans in a food market.  How heaven marvels when you a destined to be world renowned writer decides to work in petroleum industry throughout your lifetime. It makes angelic beings pause and marvel. Maybe the same way you will marvel when you see a guy use a chisel as chewing stick!

 Teju ‘duru is a freelance journalist and make up artist based in Lagos. She devoted her lil heart to Jesus sometimes ago.

© 2013